The Batter-And-Deep-Fry Party

Well, as I mentioned in my last post, Diko and I were up to some pretty revolting culinary shenanigans this weekend. Now, admittedly, they weren't as gross as some of the things you'll find on sites like This Is Why You're Fat., but kids, you probably shouldn't try this at home. Well, on a regular basis, anyway.

As the title implies, the party was based entirely on battering and deep-frying anything and everything we could get our hands on. Corn dogs were a tasty staple, as were tufts of cauliflower. Here are some highlights.

Corn dogs were too easy. How about a corn burger?

Strangely enough, a little dry. The burger quality wasn't all that great to start with, so I'll chalk it up to that. Nice and crunchy, though.

Now, admittedly, this one wasn't battered before it went into the fryer, but I had to give it a shot. Behold, the octodog!

Hee. Cute. I can see putting these on blocks of mac 'n' cheese for fun presentation.

One of the most labor-intensive ventures was the deep-fried pizza. Since it was a whole freakin' pizza, dipping it in beer batter was somewhat out of the question. So instead, Bay just spooned the batter to coat...

Then, giggling like schoolgirls, we lowered it into the oil.

I cannot tell you how tricky this thing was to flip in 350 degree oil. But flip it I did. For science.

The end product was pretty much exactly what you'd expect.

I think when frying pizza, the influx of crust demands a thin crust on the pizza itself to start with. It came out suitably tasty, but a bit too bready for my tastes.

And then, there was my pride and joy.

That, my dear friends, is corn-battered and deep-fried bacon. This was actually really tasty. Like I might do this again sometime soon tasty. I just have to remember that trying to eat more than one or two of these might actually kill me on the spot.

Oh, what's that? That little thing off to the side in that picture? Oh, that's just a deep-fried White Castle cheeseburger. Wanna see it cut open?

Mmm. Yeah, that was a little rich even for me. I opted out after the first bite, but Courtney assures me it was delicious.

So those were just the highlights. We tried our hand at frying Pocky, a few candy bars got in there with moderate success. And yeah, there were fried pierogies a little later, and more than one bacon kiev (bacon wrapped around a pat of butter, then battered and deep-fried) was made. And at the end of the night, a good time was had by all. Followed by nightmares, followed by massive indigestion in the morning.

Worth it? Hell yeah.

A Delicious Riddle

What do you get when you combine this...


With one of these...


And a little of this...?


That's right, ladies and gentlemen. You get... the Pizza Chili Dog.


Okay, so that was a crappy riddle. But still! Behold it in its grossness and glory. Try this at home, kids. But for goodness' sake, make sure you have a tarp down before you try to eat it.


Also, eating this monstrosity first thing in the morning is ill-advised. Just sayin'.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go lie down for a little while.

Lazy Chili

It's been a lazy couple of weeks, cooking-wise. Been the same ol' same ol' - roasted chicken thighs that I tried to throw on the grill but I forgot they were coated in oil so they caught on fire, take out food from all sorts of places around the 'hood, and other such forgettable items. Like I said, I've been lazy.

So when I woke up today and said I wanted chili, I was determined to take the laziest route possible. Luckily, I've been making chili in a number of different variations to be able to pick out my basic ingredients from the store while blindfolded, asleep, and shot in the leg three times. Don't ask me how I found that out, but it's fact.


What makes this chili so lazy, you ask? I'll tell you. It's the lazy cook's best friend.


The food processor. Really, the people I know who have these things (myself included) don't use it nearly often enough. The concept is very simple - any chopping, shredding, or blending you want to do, you can just toss it into the food processor and get it done with a flick of the switch. Heck, it makes all that beef look like this:


And it takes those unwieldy vegetables and chipotles in adobo and turns them into this:


Yeah, sorry about the fuzziness on that one. Still working on how to use the girlfriend's camera. But that's all she wrote, folks. Chili's one of those things that you can just toss all your ingredients into a pot, clamp a lid on, and simmer for an hour and you've got a pot of blazing-hot, tasty, tomatoey love.


It's the perfect lazy food - it goes on forever. I'm fully planning on eating that pot of chili for the next few days (sorry, girlfriend), be it in a bowl, topped with a little cheese and the ubiquitous tater tots...


Or just slathered on a bacon-wrapped hot dog and sprinkled with those lovely, thank-God-they're-back-in-season Vidalia onions.


Mmm. Oh, hey, that reminds me - Vidalias are in season! Gotta think up something to do with those... Whaddya think, folks? Soup, maybe? Or should I think up something that involves the grill, perhaps? Decisions, decisions...

The Weekender

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to call your attention to a series of exhibits. First of all, I'd like you to take a look at this:


That's what a 9.21 lb. pork shoulder looks like after braising for 10 hours in a slow cooker with onions, garlic, apple, rosemary, sage, thyme, and beer. Pretty tasty-looking, huh? Well, take a look at that very same pork shoulder after it's been pulled and tossed with a little bit of barbecue sauce and the drippings from its long, delicious braise.


Now, if I could call your attention away from the pork. Don't worry, we'll get back to it in due time. But for now, I'd like to show you these.


They're exactly what they look like, ladies and gentlemen. They are, in fact, hot dogs warmly embraced by two strips of bacon each. And as anyone knows, the best way to cook hot dogs wrapped in bacon is to deep-fry them.


Here, for instance, is an example of one of those bacon-wrapped hot dogs resting gently on a bun with mustard, relish, and chopped pickled jalapenos. Looks good enough to eat, doesn't it? But we're not done with it yet. Oh no. We are not.

We're going to take that pulled pork we prepared earlier. And we're going to put it on that bacon-wrapped hot dog. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: The Weekender.


Why The Weekender? Damned if I know. The concept of a bacon-wrapped hot dog topped with pulled pork blew out enough fuses in my brain to keep me from coming up with a good name. It's my disgusting creation, I'm allowed to name it.

Soak it in, folks. I've got another bad idea involving hot dogs, but you'll just have to wait and see...